Restoration

It was a blind summer. I was going through the motions: waking up and stretching, pouring a coffee, swimming in the lake, driving long distances - but I was sleepwalking. I intrinsically desire things...to discover and grow, I want to build and seek. This drive fills me with purpose and energy and this sense was just not ... seeing? I didn't want anything and I was not holding myself with positive energy about any future event. 

There is a Kedr Livansky song, 'Sunrise, Stop' where she intones in Russian:

"I don't want to believe anymore,

 I don't want to wait any longer, 

I don't want to think anymore,

I don't want to know more,

I don't want to cry anymore..."

Summer in the Monaro

In this song, Livansky is describing that untranslatable Russian word 'toska' - pronounced TAH-skah, a deep feeling of anguish and profound sadness - with a dash of spiritual yearning. It takes you limb by limb in its grasp, leaving you emptied out and aimless. 

The last year had been one of profound spiritual distress that left me with a feeling of apathy as summer rolled in and the dust settled. Such a spiritual state forces you onto a different side of the river to people. Maybe some knew, some obliquely had a sense, perhaps, but few people raised questions or uttered concern. Of course, there were also family members who came through in such a profound and beautiful way that I will always be indebted to them. In dark times, bright people are clearly visible, or something to that effect.

As it hits late February and Great Lent is approaching, for the first time in about a year I can feel something being restored. A system to frame our life again. We have renewed purpose and energy and the sense of profound loss is less acute. I apologise for not being able to be more specific here, but the unspeakable THING here is a life drama that is interchangeable with any other life drama in human experience. A betrayal, a loss of a friend, a scandal - these are one and the same in the end. And finally, I can say, "I don't want to cry anymore" and know that some door is closed.